Our stories: experiences of homophobic bullying
Posted in Parents
Friday 2 July 2010
In Articles
Read accounts from parents and children that have been affected by homophobic bullying
Sue Allen:
“My daughter was ‘outed’ in the sixth form. Prior to that she’d been pushed into doorways, and people wouldn’t sit next to her in case they ‘caught’ it. She went to a teacher she knew and trusted, to ask for advice, and the teacher simply quizzed her on why she thought she was gay. Then the teacher asked her if she’d been abused.”
Sue’s daughter came out to her when she left school and told her about the teacher’s comments some years later. “I was appalled by the teacher’s behaviour,” says Sue. “Luckily my daughter tried talking to another teacher who found her some support groups for gay people, and she hasn’t looked back.’”
Alan, 13, secondary school, Scotland*:
“I get called names all the time at school, especially ‘poof’ and ‘faggot’. My stuff is always being ripped up or drawn on or stolen.”
Kirsty, 17, single sex independent school, Greater London*
“Nasty notes passed in class. The other girls wouldn’t let me change for PE in the same room as them.”
*Quotes supplied by Stonewall
Daniel, 20*:
“Rumours went round at secondary school that I was gay, and I got fed up with denying it, so I said I was. After that, the name-calling got even worse. My immediate group of friends were very supportive, but it was other people in the school who verbally bullied me, some of whom I didn’t know at all.”
Soon after Daniel came out, one boy attacked him and tried to strangle him. “It happened right in front of a teacher, and they took no action,” he recalls. “It was only when my parents and I made a formal complaint to the school that they did anything – but even then, they only suspended him for three days. Then he was back, and the verbal abuse continued.”
The homophobic bullying had a dramatic effect on Daniel’s studies, and he didn’t achieve the grades he knew he was capable of. “We talked about me moving schools, and I’ve known people who’ve done that because of bullying,” he says. “In the end I just stuck it out, but I was disappointed with my exam results. I know that without the bullying I would have done a lot better.” He feels strongly that teachers are not adequately trained to know how to deal with homophobic bullying, and many of them fear having to tackle it. “If they can’t deal with it, what chance is there for the pupils?”
Life improved for Daniel once he left school. “At work, I didn’t come across homophobic bullying,” he says. “You get the occasional comment outside work, but that’s pretty rare.” He plans to return to studying at some point in the future.
Despite the bullying, Daniel doesn’t regret coming out. “It was the right thing for me to do in the longer term, even if I did get bullied afterwards. My mum took the news really well, though it took my dad a bit longer to get used to it. Even though the bullies effectively outed me, I would have come out soon afterwards anyway. I don’t regret being honest about my sexuality.”
And his advice for other families dealing with homophobic bullying? “Don’t go charging into the school demanding action. Think things through. This won’t be resolved overnight,” he says. “When you do go into school, stay calm, be polite and have a list of actions you would like them to take. All too often, schools simply don’t know what to do. You can find suggestions on Stonewall’s website here. You can also remind them that schools failing to tackle homophobic bullying are breaking the law.”
Daniel adds that it’s vital to challenge any homophobic language when you hear it – for example: ‘those trainers are so gay’. “Using the term ‘gay’ in a derogatory way adds to negative perceptions about gay people. If you’ve got parents calling Graham Norton a ‘gay poof’, for example, it’s not surprising their kids go into school and copy this behaviour.”
*Daniel’s story courtesy of Stonewall
Reporting homophobia
Molly Blackburn is Community Cohesion Support Officer for
Open Out, a hate crime advice, support and reporting service based in Cambridgeshire. Similar groups exist across the country. Molly believes it is crucial to the success of tackling hate crimes such as homophobia that they are reported. There are many schemes around the country which enable people to do this, anonymously if they wish – see links at
www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime-victims/reducing-crime/hate-crime/ - or ask your local council.
“In our workshops in schools, we discuss phases like ‘that’s so gay’ to challenge prejudice and raise awareness and understanding of hate crime,” she says. Between November – mid April this year, Open Out received 58 reports of hate crime in Cambridgeshire, and 16 of those were linked to homophobic or transgender bullying, putting it in second place behind racial bullying.
Open Out recommend:
*If there is any physical harm, get the police involved.
*If you are unhappy about the way the school is handling the situation, contact whichever government department the school has to report to on bullying. Visit your local council’s website or call and ask who schools have to report to for bullying and get a contact number. ‘If you report it, you’ll get access to advice and help,” says Molly.
Further help:
- FFLAG: Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
- EACH (Educational Action Challenging Homophobia)
- EACH has a telephone helpline for young people who are experiencing homophobic bullying, and for parents or teachers who want to report an incident of homophobic bullying: 0808 1000 143 on weekdays, 10am-4pm. Calls are free from landlines and most mobiles.
- Report an incident online at www.eachaction.org.uk/
- PACE – promoting lesbian and gay health and wellbeing. Free family support service, telephone or email support on issues related to being lesbian, gay, trans or bisexual and being in relationships/families.
- The Terrence Higgins Trust
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